Sunday, October 31, 2010

[Insert Suitable Title Here, I Can't Think Of One]

It's a strange feeling.

I woke up this morning to the first day of my honeymoon. The thing is I was alone, I'm not on my honeymoon, and there was no wedding.

I have to wonder what type of person visits their bride-to-be the night before their wedding and says "I don't want to get married tomorrow, it just doesn't feel right. I want to postpone it" like it's just another dinner date that you can reschedule, no big deal. Without providing any real reason, nor any apology. Without listening to or giving a damn about anything I say. With no consideration to what many people had to go through to even be there (ie. time off work, airfares, accommodation, and family conflict). And then to patronise the now-not-future-bride by saying "It's the right decision, you'll see."

Excuse me? Could you not have decided this during the multiple times you asked to marry me? Or the twelve-month-long engagement? Or two nights earlier when you looked at the alternate venue that I had found which you then agreed to, saying it'd be good? Or 5 hours earlier that day when we'd met to discuss final plans? You can postpone a meeting. You can postpone a meal. You can even postpone a visit to your doctor (although you probably shouldn't). You can not postpone a wedding.

I'll admit that the final week or two before the wedding was tough, with issue upon issue arising. However when those issues are all ones that he was "taking care of" and I should "not worry about it", I do have to wonder if there wasn't a deliberate element, conscious or otherwise, of sabotage. And yet I, with the help of my mother and brother, found solutions to every single one of those problems. Solutions which were, apparently, simply not good enough. Which means, to my mind, that's it's just another promise that was not kept, with no intention of trying.

Via text I was asked "Do we still have a future together". I replied with "You tell me." He says "Nothing has changed for me. Has it for you". I reply "Of course it fkn has. Trust and respect for you have taken a beating. You have no idea what you've done to me". I thought I understated that quite well.

During our discussion the night before the non-wedding I told him he would have to contact the venue and the celebrant and tell them. I sent a text to my side of the list saying the wedding was off. My non-bridesmaids and I made some calls early the next morning to make sure the celebrant and venue knew... nope, no calls had been made. The celebrant was lovely, and I promised her that no matter what I have to do, I will pay her for her time and work thus far. The venue was trickier. We (ie. my mum) had paid a deposit just days earlier. They'd had chefs working late the night before making 900 canapes. They were, I think quite understandably, not happy.

My mum and brother decided to get together and work something out. My non-bridesmaids and I had mentioned maybe having a "I'm Not Getting Married" party. Ma and Bro decided that was a great idea to use the venue for, and they paid the whole fee for the planned ceremony/celebration party (several thousand $$). I'll be making sure that, somehow, they get their money repaid. I put the word out to my side of the guest list saying "Hi all. I've decided that as the bar is booked and they've made all the lovely food I'm going to have a little 'I'm not getting married' party. I'd love to see anyone who can make it. I'll be there from 3pm in my party dress."

Naturally some people who had planned to travel in on Saturday morning had canceled their plans when I advised that the wedding was off. They were truly apologetic that they wouldn't be able to make it (one couple had canceled their flights but couldn't cancel their hotel room, so kindly gave it to me for the night. Aren't they lovely?). Even so, more than half the people who were originally coming to the wedding turned up to the party. And it was a good party. Obviously we didn't eat all 900 canapes, but we did put a dent in them. And there was no way we were going to get through the whole bar tab. My girls helped me get ready and I had a great time and - looking around the room at all the people who were there, who had come through horrible weather and in some cases traveled across half the continent and more to be there for me, and support me - I felt incredibly lucky and blessed to have so many people who care so much for me. Although initially I thought I'd have been happier hiding under my doona in a dark room, the party was the best thing I could have done.

I've heard that my ex-father is very happy, nay delighted, that the wedding fell through, but I wouldn't expect much else from such a bigoted, self-involved garden-gnome of a man who's only ever been in my life when he felt like it, on his own terms.

So tell me, does a relationship survive something like this? How can it, when trust and respect have dwindled? Why should I even bother spending any more time, emotion and energy on someone who has done this to me? Aside from wanting answers, what's the point? I am furious, gutted, and embarrassed by the whole debacle. Why should I give someone who has made me feel like shit any kind of chance?


Aside from all of that, I need to thank Sarah and Diana. I can't tell you everything they've done for me, but just know that I'm never going to forget what they've done over the past 48 hours, and earlier. I need to thank my mum and my brother, who are the two most special people in my life, who make me so proud to call them family, for their unwavering support. I need to thank Rosemary and Mike for donating their hotel room to me. I need to thank the paternal uncles who came to the party for being there for me despite other pressure on them to not come at all. I need to thank my maternal uncles for keeping me laughing all night with their antics. I need to thank everyone who came to the party. I need to thank everyone who sent messages/texts full of kind words and support. And I need to thank Diane at in Port Melbourne for her hard work in arranging a function with 3 days notice, and her kindness on the night after all the stuffing around. The service was great, the food was spectacular, and I'll definitely be back for dinner again and again. Diane, you and your staff are wonderful, thank you for a lovely night.


Cindy said...

Gah, what a weekend.

I really admire you for going ahead with the party, and focusing on the terrific non-husband people in your life that have supported you through this!

essjayeff said...

Hi Anna, I dont know you very well, but I just had to say how brave you were to go ahead with your party, surrounded by those that love you. He doesn't, he didn't and my advice to you is to dig a dirty great big huge chasm behind you as you walk in a different direction.

There are better times ahead. (and your jam rocks!)

Take care and be kind to yourself.


melbourne dreaming said...

Anna, you are so brave to share this heart-rending story, and to have the guts to change your plans and have a party for yourself anyway - I am in awe! You are made of stronger stuff than me.

Sorry I didn't read this sooner and my comment is a bit late, but I hope you are doing OK and sorting stuff out for yourself. I know we don't know each other (apart from our blogs!) but if you need anyone to talk to - I'm only an email away.

xxx kelly